Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
Randomize
