Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Randomize
