I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
