So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Randomize
