Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
Randomize
