One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
the mandatory saturday morning class for those written up by RA's turned into a gold mine...just met EVERY hot chick that parties.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
