I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
