the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
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