Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
