Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
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