Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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