I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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