I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
