I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Randomize
