in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
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