My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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