Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Randomize
