Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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