you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
Someone shattered a urinal.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
Randomize
