apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
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