i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
Randomize
