Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Randomize
