I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
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