I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
