awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
