you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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