if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
I just blew my weed a kiss
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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