What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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