cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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