you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
Randomize
