No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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