Omg! Love it! Cant find L*****
What!!?? Like after last night you lost her?
Yea me and L***** came back to out hotel at 3am to regroup then went back out; police and 2 bars later, I don't know what happened. Vegas is nuts!
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
