Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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