does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
His hands were made for my vagina.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Randomize
