there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
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