i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
