i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Randomize
