can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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