I can tuck mytits in my pants
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
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