I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
