peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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