my room smells like sperm. sweet.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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