chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
My liver just had a heart attack.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
