you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
