He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
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