We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
