If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
