i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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