He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
