I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Randomize
