Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Randomize
