I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
